It's Never Easy

Well as the title states, it's never easy.... I don't even know what to type really tonight. I made one of the hardest decisions Ive had to make recently. That was to end a friendship. I don't know if she will read this or not, she has already took me off of everything we used to chat through.

My heart will always have a spot for her. Was it the best choice? More then likely, was it the hardest choice? absolutely. I know she loved me. I also knew That things wouldn't end up how i wanted them to end up. I knew this from the beginning of our conversations, but i went with my heart, because she loved me. I haven't had someone love me since Someca passed away a little over 2 years ago. Ive felt empty inside. I hadn't felt alive since then until you came around. You changed things for me, you gave me hope, that maybe i was lovable. Maybe someone out there would take a chance with me. I'm Sorry the way things ended and do know i did care a lot about you and thought about you a lot. I hope that life treats you well and that you find what you are searching for, whatever it may be. I will miss you!

In light of that, I don't even know how I got here. All i want is to be loved. It cant be that hard for someone to love me is it? Yeah, my family loves me, but they are suppose to love me. Yeah I act like i have it all together but really i don't. I havent had it together for over 2 years. I dont know why I cant find love. I don't know if its me or them? Probably a bit of both. Seems I'm always in the friend catagory, which isn't always bad, but no one seems to want more then that with me. Sure i have some baggage but who doesn't?

Everything I do i give it 100%, whether it be Coaching Basketball, Teaching basketball, being a friend and sometimes even "Superman" to some. I dont get what I'm missing or what makes it so hard to be loved.

Sure I had someone who loved me for me and i felt on top of the World. Someone who didn't care where i came from or what i had done. She loved me because i was Charlie Miller. As i try to type this with tears running down my face, i have to wonder, what have i done God to feel so unlovable?

Why did i lose my vision just to feel loved? Id give anything right now to feel loved. To know what it is to feel wanted again....To be able to hear someone say that they love me , Love Charlie Miller and not because i did anything, but because i was/ am Me.

My heart is in a million pieces because if i could have anything, it would be that and that's something i cant get or have. I am / was so desperate to have someone say that they loved me that i went against everything i stood for and yet here i am , searching, trying to figure out why i cant be loved.

For some of you, I'm sure your like this cant be the guy we know. Well it is at this time. I can only hide behind the mask for so long but you look into the mask and see the tears as my heart breaks each time i think i have found love, only to have found nothing or to be added to the friends list. Yeah i know everyone needs a friend like me, so I've been told , every time it seems that's all people want.

There's a saying I say and its " Fake it til you make it" , well I've faked it for awhile, I don't like people knowing the person who's inside who's crying to be loved, That's never been me, I;m always the one who has been the strong one, the one you call for anything, no matter the time or no matter the problem. Well I guess you can only fake it so long before you completely fall apart.

I'm at that point. I haven't cried this much in the last 2 weeks since Someca died. Sure it doesn't help that its the holiday seasons and the memories come back, But it's not that. Ive been able to handle that , but its been the broken heart, the fact that I can't see to find someone who loves me for me. Ugh i hate crying, cant even see now and my hoodie is covered in snot in tears.

Before you, the readers, tell me , well God has a plan for you and God is going to use you in great ways..etc...etc ....etc, This i know, I've been told this my entire life and well i still haven't seen it yet. Ive had many chats/fights/arguments with God these past 2 years. I know he hasn't given up on me , but i know Ive given up on myself. I'm Glad God is patient with me cause If he hasn't given up on me, then I know I can't give up on me. Im also glad that when i do yell and scream at him he doesn't take it personal. I know he listens to me and still loves me when im done.

Well enough talking about my life for now and plus i cant see the keys very well since i had to take my glasses off. I'll leave you with a song that sums up toda. Looking back I know it's for the better but that doesnt mean my heart will heal any faster.



Sorry this has been a sad few weeks reading my blog, but its whats going on inside and I needed somewhere to vent, cry, write and express how im feeling.

Charlie