Returning

Who would Of thought that I would even come back here, We have all been busy, but I haven't been really. Just didnt feel like blogging I suppose.

( Warning, this is a longer blog and filled with alot of emotion)

Well today has just been one of those days, So before I start, I apologize for any language that isnt good, typing errors, because at this point Im to tired to care and sometimes for whatever reason cuss words seem to be stronger then the regular words.

I'lll start off by saying that Im beyond mad at God. I know this is nothing new for some of you to read, others this may come as a shock, either way its out there. I know God is big enough for me to be mad at and I also know that he is still God. Im still pissed that its been almost 4 yrs since I love the person I cared most about, Not sure why She of all people was choosen to be taken from me. We had a love that Many of you dont have, never will and that some of you dont want. Yet, God decided that it was her time to go. There hasnt been a day that has gone by where I havent thought about her, dreamed about her, cried about her and wished that it had been me to leave this earth and not her. Selfish I know, but the pain that comes with this , gets to be so over-bearing sometimes that I cant handle it. Yes I know it says that God wont give you more then you can handle, but Cmon already God. I dont get why She had to be the one?? I look around at couples who hate each other, I see ones who could care-less if their spouse was gone or not, I see ones who have been together for 25 yrs and dont speak to each other, I see ones who dont care that they are hurting their children through the descions they are making, I know for a fact that there are ones who are busting their ass's to get their SO( significant others) only for them to play them or just to use them until they get what they want and then bam, out the door they go, I see others who are only sticking around because in the end they know it isnt because they love them, but because their is going to be a large pay out when their mom/dad passes away. BUT yet you have allowed them to stay here God, You havent taken either one of them, They dont even want to love each other, they dont want to raise a family, they could care-less if their kids are raised in the church. They have abused each other for years and yet here they still living as a couple.

       Why couldnt you have picked one of those to get cancer? why not one of those to have to battle for almost 3 yrs, pain every day, 3 rounds of chemo, only for one of them not to make it? Uh, WHY GOD? Why me ??? and yes I know there are people out there who are worse off then me, I get it so and im sure some people are Saying, Charlie you dont have it that bad, but for those of you who say that, Screw you, You dont know the battle I face everyday making myself get out of bed, Wishing things were different and still waiting on answers as to Why me. Sure I look like I always have it together, besides maybe my family no one has seen me cry for atleast 3-4 yrs. I know how to make it seem like all is well and most really couldnt handle the truth if i told them, no im not ok, im having a shitty ass day. They probably wouldnt know what to do, Thats why I never say anything, Im always fine and Im always good. Not like anyone now-a-day has time, Everyone has their own life and battles going on, They def dont need one more issue to have to listen to or to deal with.

      Ive been all over this blog, I dont even know what the point was of this blog really. I needed to get out my frustrations and maybe I have, Now Im just typing thru the tears so who knows whats going to be said . Ive lost my purpose in life, I feel like its groundhog day everyday.

      Im sure I will get some "hate" on here because heaven forbid Charlie Miller, who was born and raised in the Church, be mad at God. God is God so no sense in being mad at him Im sure some of you will say, I know also that some will say, well its all in God's plan, Well screw his plan right now because I dont get it. I cant imagine the God that I know and the one who loves me more then anything, would one day just be like, well, Here is a couple who loves each other, cares about each other, loves me (God) more then anything, So ill just go ahead and allow her to have some Cancer at the age of 31. I dont get it. Yes I know people all ages have gotten cancer and have died from it. A friend thru YWAM had a friend who lost their little child to cancer and I dont get that either, What did they do wrong, uh? I dont get it God. Sure Im sure someday I'll get the answers, How do I know this? Because thats what EVERYONE told me since the day that Someca passed away. I also know that Life will be way better, how so? Cause EVERYONE told me so. Yeah well here is a NEWS FLASH , it hasnt yet and those who told me that, never walked in my shoes, Never had to sit by the side of a hospital bed holding onto the hand of the one person they loved so much, begging/pleading/asking God for a healing that only he could bring, only to be let down at 4:20 am when I closed her eyes and she took her last breath.....Im still so mad because WHY ME? What did Charlie Lawrence Miller do to have this pain and suffering given to me???What did I do to have the heartache every day when I wake up, knowing that the One person I want to talk to I cant anymore, The one I wanted to Marry and go old with, have kids with, do mission trips with, Why Cant I God? WHY her? What did she do to deserve this? So many times I wish it had been me, So many times I wish I could of taken the cancer from her and given it to me. I dont know how things would of changed, I prolly wouldnt of beaten the Cancer, but I do know that I wouldnt be in pain anymore, My heart wouldnt be in so many broken pieces that no one wants me anymore. I know That as the tears begin to flow again, I know That I wouldnt be crying by myself, just wanting someone to Give a shit. Sure some of this is my fault because I dont let many people in, The few I have let in are special to me. Im scared to let anyone else in. Those that I have let in, Ive let in because I know I can keep them at a safe distance. I know that I only tell them so much so that I wont get hurt again. My heart cant handle not being good enough again. It cant handle falling deeply in love with someone again, only to have them taken from me again. Yeah it sucks being alone and lonely, but for right now its better then taking a risk of loving someone, only for them to say, sorry, I only want you as a friend, which is all anyone wants from me.

Ive looked back over what I have typed and Im not sure what else to say, I know to those couples who I mentioned, Get your act together, You just dont fall out of love with someone. No one wants to work on things anymore. Before you get all worked up about that, It takes 2 to keep a marriage going, I know alot of you are busting your asses off to make it work and the other half could careless. Lemme say this to those who dont give a shit, You will one day when they finally get tired of trying and they will be done. Once they turn to walk away they wont be coming back and then it will be to late for you to change your mind.


Ill close for now, Im emotionally, physically and spritually spent. I know that God does love me and thats why I think it hurts me so much, cause I am mad/pissed off/ frustrated. I know he doesnt want to harm us, but for us to prosper. I know these things, I just know also that he is the only one Big enough right now to handle the pain Im going through and the sadness that has filled my heart.


Charlie

Hello? Any one there??

So.... today is technically "my day", so I'm here blogging. I kind of fell off blogging regularly (well on this blog anyways, you can get on board with my blog!! Look me up!!) because no one was really keeping up with it or commenting, or interacting.... so it wasn't so fun! But maybe we can all get back on board? I really like to keep in touch and hear about what everyone is doing and/or excited about things approaching!

With that being said... I will tell you guys a little of what's new with me and what I've been up to the last few weeks!

First of all.... a few weeks ago Wynsten decided to EAT a "chew" toy. I woke up in the middle of the night to something wet touching my foot... naaasty!!!!

Sit up and look and it's dog puke!!! Of course I blamed Mitch's dog first! Haha! (but in my defense she IS normally the one that pukes) and then I look around and my dog is laying next to me but he's like shaking. I'm kind of out of it so I look around... look down and see more puke on the floor... I get up and Wynsten follows me with his ears down like he's in trouble. He puked in the other room too... I come back in the bedroom and see what was left of the toy all over the floor. I felt so bad for him! It made him so sick!! I tried to get him to drink water... he just kept puking. After a few hours of dealing with that, he got on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and fell asleep, poor baby!

Let's see... what else has happened! Oh yah! Mitch's birthday was last week, well like 2 weeks ago now! I kept asking him what he wanted to do.. he didn't know... didn't know... so I told him we would just open gifts and then go see a band or something fun. Meanwhile I got in touch with all of his friends and told them they should meet us out and surprise him! I felt really bad, we met up on his bday (he got the day off) for lunch at Dos, while we are there his friends are texting him AND ME. They told him they couldn't make it out for his bday haha! He looked so bummed, it was hard for me not to just tell him they were coming out!!! But it all ended up FUN! We got birthday hats, a cake and beads! We had fun! He was so surprised when some of his friends knocked on the door and then when we got to Esquire there were more people waiting! We all had a good time and he was surprised! Success!!

More recent news, TODAY, I woke up to a 800 number phone call! I normally don't get those!! And if I do, I DON'T pick up! But for some reason I did today.... it was Chase... calling to ask me/tell me there had been fraudulent activity on my account!!!!!! Um... ok, I'm thinking... I jump up and look in my wallet for my card even though I KNOW I just used it last night! (I was going to call them today anyway because the ATM told me that they couldn't read my card... I thought I just needed a new one!) Yup, it's there! I have it! They proceed to tell me that someone used it at a Shell Gas Station.... in Louisiana! After a few hours of figuring things out, come to find out, they actually made a duplicate credit card and put all my information on it. They encrypted it and everything! What pros!!! Haha. UGH!!!!

On a more exciting note, we're going to MARDI GRAS!!!!! this weekend!!! I'm so excited!! Becki is coming down from Chicago, there's going to be a group of us! We plan on staying at the Renaissance and going to breakfast at the rotating restaurant! I'm super excited for that too! It will be a nice little mini vaca/get away this weekend!

That's the short version of all the craziness going on in my life these days!! Hope you all are enjoying your lives, and if not, making changes to get there!

Im Back...

Well I know its not my day, but i figured that since i havent posted in a few weeks that it was time to get back into the blogging world.

Basketball season is over.....I hate that. I hate losing and it usually bugs me for a few days and then I will figure out what we do next, because if you wait to long, you are already behind other teams who are prepping for next year. I do know we will be back next year and I hope we gained alittle respect this season, but if we didnt that will be on everyone else, We know how good we will be.

Well thats It, I was just taking time to say Im back and I know you all missed me LOL

Charlie

The world continues...

Haha, I almost titled this "The World Turns".... made me think of that dumb show "As the World Turns". I remember watching that, well it being on tv around lunch time as I was growing up. I still look back... and even at "reality" shows today i.e. Jersey Shore, and think "WHAT THE HECK????". So Johnny tried to get me to watch JS! He kept buggin me, asking me when I was going to get on board. I'm not much of a tv watcher, at all really. I never really have been. I have always felt like it was a waste of time, energy that I could be actually doing *something* with my life or doing something to better my life... my wardrobe, something! Anything!
After finally giving in and taking a night out of my busy life to watch JS, all my thoughts and assumptions that I have had my entire life proved to be TRUE! The show started at 9pm (I believe) and I think I was done watching it by 9:15pm. I could just feel my brain cells disintegrating! I really can't understand why people watch shows like that. I realize I am in the minority here, because obviously there are millions out there that continually watch these reality shows.... from even when I was young. I just can't jump on that train! I can't justify sitting there for even an hour a night and put all that garbage in my head when there is so much to do with life!
Enough about that..... but thanks Johnny for the effort! haha
So as my title says... the world continues today. It's been pretty crazy weather here in IL. (for those of you who don't live around here). I'm blogging today because my work was actually closed yesterday and I attempted to get online at Mitch's house, but the satellite was covered with snow/ice so I couldn't stay online for any length of time! It was really frustrating! So.. here I am today, getting my blog entry in! I still had to have my car pushed out today too! Ugh! I hate IL weather.... I hate snow!!!!

Prince Charming

Well I know I am late yet again, but atleast Im not a week late this time, like last week. It was a busy week last week with 4 Basketball games on the road and by the time Saturday came and went I was just way to tired to Blog. Well here I am at it again.

Tonight's blog is probably going to have alot of ranting in it, so if you dont like rants or people on their Soap Box's then I'll save you the time and you can go ahead and click off of My blog and I wont feel one bit offended. You never know though, I may bring up a topic that you have also wanted to rant about but never did, so you could miss something important.

Tonight's first rant is in the title. Prince Charming. I hear alot about these women who are always looking for Prince Charming and never being able to find him. They have looked high and far, long and wide and nothing, Just a bunch of losers who are not the Prince Charming they are looking for. Here is a pic of Prince Charming below:

This of course is a Knight going off to save not only the Kingdom but also the Princess. Recently though, Im tired of being Prince charming only to not be "Good" enough to be Prince Charming. Follow me for a min. Seems Ive always been the Good/Nice/Call anytime etc. Type of Guy. But yet then I get to hear about how They( that being females) are still looking for Prince Charming. WELL HELLO!!!!! he is right under your nose there Princess. I also have come to the conclusion that some women really dont want a Prince Charming. I say this because when they get or find one, they then decide to treat him like Shit. (Sorry, Poop just didnt have the same affect) I just dont get it. Maybe its also about not knowing you have something so good until its Gone, Well Hello, wake up and smell the Coffee, No guy who isnt interested is just going to do anything just cause. There has to be something there , although thats not in all cases, I myself have helped people because it was how I was raised, It takes alot for me to say No, Matter-of-Fact I dont think i have said No in a long time, Maybe I should try it more often so that then Women will see that they do have a Prince Charming right in Front of them, if only they would give him a chance.

Well I think that it going to be my only rant tonight, I feel that if i continue on I will lose more of you then I already have, Im sure some of you still think that you Want a Prince Charming, but in reality you only want one when it's convienant for you to have one, Kind of like some toys, you only bring them out to play when there is nothing else to do, once you find something else to do, back into the toy box you go.

Tonight we lost our Basketball game and for those who know me, know I HATE losing, Which is prolly what as brought this rant on. Also I didnt feel or have the energy to rant about IL basketball atm so I will keep that until tomorrow when they will more then likely lose again.

So I leave you with a Song that I enjoy and I will see you all next week if not sooner

Charlie

Not my day.... but hey!

So I have been a blogging fool lately! Haha, I love it! It's kind of like the new FB! =D Speaking of that, have you guys watched "The Social Network"? It's a good movie! Some of it seems unreal, how things happened, but I watched a show on it the other night and I guess it's all true! Crazy! If you haven't seen it you should watch it!
I really just wanted to get on here and say how disappointed and MAD I am about the IL game Saturday!!!! Ya know, I don't mind if a team is good and wins because they play that good and they deserve it! HOWEVER I DO MIND if they win because bad calls were made... which is what happened with OH/IL game Saturday! 5 bad calls in a row! It's a shame! They should do all the reviews of that game and FIRE the refs! Grrr! I was mad all day (and maybe still am a little lol) about it! I hope those refs couldn't sleep Saturday night!
So yah, I know it's not "my day" to blog, but I needed to say "hey"! =) Hope you guys are having a great Monday!

A little late is never too late, right!?

Today is Thursday, not "my day" to blog! But I thought that I would get a post in before IT IS "too late"! Haha. While typing that title in I kind of realized that I have that mentality a lot. I'm late a lot! I'm late to work (almost every day!) It's a shame, I know. But it's *really* hard when you know nothing is going to happen and you're not really missing anything, to get up earlier than your body wants to... just to "be there on time". I have been sick for almost 10 days! (crazy, I know, however, I don't want to waste the time/money to go see a doc for him to tell me that I have symptoms of the flu and I need to 1. take it easy and rest 2. take vitamin C 3. be easy on foods, try soup till you feel better, when I can google all that and take care of it myself!) I'm actually feeling better today. I came to work yesterday and honestly thought that I was going to end up having to go home because I still felt so bad. Today I'm at work, and feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday and have talked to quite a few people today who have pretty much gone through the same thing as me (being sick for 10 days and feeling horrible). I was pretty upset that I missed watching the bears game because I just couldn't get myself up and ready. Props to them on the WIN though! I can't wait to watch the game next week! It's going to be awesome! But anyways back to me being late all the time... I really need to work on that! I was on time today for the first time in like 2 weeks!!
Well it's about coffee to water switch.... I only drink one cup of coffee a day and half way through the day I switch to water... so I'm off to get my water!