Returning

Who would Of thought that I would even come back here, We have all been busy, but I haven't been really. Just didnt feel like blogging I suppose.

( Warning, this is a longer blog and filled with alot of emotion)

Well today has just been one of those days, So before I start, I apologize for any language that isnt good, typing errors, because at this point Im to tired to care and sometimes for whatever reason cuss words seem to be stronger then the regular words.

I'lll start off by saying that Im beyond mad at God. I know this is nothing new for some of you to read, others this may come as a shock, either way its out there. I know God is big enough for me to be mad at and I also know that he is still God. Im still pissed that its been almost 4 yrs since I love the person I cared most about, Not sure why She of all people was choosen to be taken from me. We had a love that Many of you dont have, never will and that some of you dont want. Yet, God decided that it was her time to go. There hasnt been a day that has gone by where I havent thought about her, dreamed about her, cried about her and wished that it had been me to leave this earth and not her. Selfish I know, but the pain that comes with this , gets to be so over-bearing sometimes that I cant handle it. Yes I know it says that God wont give you more then you can handle, but Cmon already God. I dont get why She had to be the one?? I look around at couples who hate each other, I see ones who could care-less if their spouse was gone or not, I see ones who have been together for 25 yrs and dont speak to each other, I see ones who dont care that they are hurting their children through the descions they are making, I know for a fact that there are ones who are busting their ass's to get their SO( significant others) only for them to play them or just to use them until they get what they want and then bam, out the door they go, I see others who are only sticking around because in the end they know it isnt because they love them, but because their is going to be a large pay out when their mom/dad passes away. BUT yet you have allowed them to stay here God, You havent taken either one of them, They dont even want to love each other, they dont want to raise a family, they could care-less if their kids are raised in the church. They have abused each other for years and yet here they still living as a couple.

       Why couldnt you have picked one of those to get cancer? why not one of those to have to battle for almost 3 yrs, pain every day, 3 rounds of chemo, only for one of them not to make it? Uh, WHY GOD? Why me ??? and yes I know there are people out there who are worse off then me, I get it so and im sure some people are Saying, Charlie you dont have it that bad, but for those of you who say that, Screw you, You dont know the battle I face everyday making myself get out of bed, Wishing things were different and still waiting on answers as to Why me. Sure I look like I always have it together, besides maybe my family no one has seen me cry for atleast 3-4 yrs. I know how to make it seem like all is well and most really couldnt handle the truth if i told them, no im not ok, im having a shitty ass day. They probably wouldnt know what to do, Thats why I never say anything, Im always fine and Im always good. Not like anyone now-a-day has time, Everyone has their own life and battles going on, They def dont need one more issue to have to listen to or to deal with.

      Ive been all over this blog, I dont even know what the point was of this blog really. I needed to get out my frustrations and maybe I have, Now Im just typing thru the tears so who knows whats going to be said . Ive lost my purpose in life, I feel like its groundhog day everyday.

      Im sure I will get some "hate" on here because heaven forbid Charlie Miller, who was born and raised in the Church, be mad at God. God is God so no sense in being mad at him Im sure some of you will say, I know also that some will say, well its all in God's plan, Well screw his plan right now because I dont get it. I cant imagine the God that I know and the one who loves me more then anything, would one day just be like, well, Here is a couple who loves each other, cares about each other, loves me (God) more then anything, So ill just go ahead and allow her to have some Cancer at the age of 31. I dont get it. Yes I know people all ages have gotten cancer and have died from it. A friend thru YWAM had a friend who lost their little child to cancer and I dont get that either, What did they do wrong, uh? I dont get it God. Sure Im sure someday I'll get the answers, How do I know this? Because thats what EVERYONE told me since the day that Someca passed away. I also know that Life will be way better, how so? Cause EVERYONE told me so. Yeah well here is a NEWS FLASH , it hasnt yet and those who told me that, never walked in my shoes, Never had to sit by the side of a hospital bed holding onto the hand of the one person they loved so much, begging/pleading/asking God for a healing that only he could bring, only to be let down at 4:20 am when I closed her eyes and she took her last breath.....Im still so mad because WHY ME? What did Charlie Lawrence Miller do to have this pain and suffering given to me???What did I do to have the heartache every day when I wake up, knowing that the One person I want to talk to I cant anymore, The one I wanted to Marry and go old with, have kids with, do mission trips with, Why Cant I God? WHY her? What did she do to deserve this? So many times I wish it had been me, So many times I wish I could of taken the cancer from her and given it to me. I dont know how things would of changed, I prolly wouldnt of beaten the Cancer, but I do know that I wouldnt be in pain anymore, My heart wouldnt be in so many broken pieces that no one wants me anymore. I know That as the tears begin to flow again, I know That I wouldnt be crying by myself, just wanting someone to Give a shit. Sure some of this is my fault because I dont let many people in, The few I have let in are special to me. Im scared to let anyone else in. Those that I have let in, Ive let in because I know I can keep them at a safe distance. I know that I only tell them so much so that I wont get hurt again. My heart cant handle not being good enough again. It cant handle falling deeply in love with someone again, only to have them taken from me again. Yeah it sucks being alone and lonely, but for right now its better then taking a risk of loving someone, only for them to say, sorry, I only want you as a friend, which is all anyone wants from me.

Ive looked back over what I have typed and Im not sure what else to say, I know to those couples who I mentioned, Get your act together, You just dont fall out of love with someone. No one wants to work on things anymore. Before you get all worked up about that, It takes 2 to keep a marriage going, I know alot of you are busting your asses off to make it work and the other half could careless. Lemme say this to those who dont give a shit, You will one day when they finally get tired of trying and they will be done. Once they turn to walk away they wont be coming back and then it will be to late for you to change your mind.


Ill close for now, Im emotionally, physically and spritually spent. I know that God does love me and thats why I think it hurts me so much, cause I am mad/pissed off/ frustrated. I know he doesnt want to harm us, but for us to prosper. I know these things, I just know also that he is the only one Big enough right now to handle the pain Im going through and the sadness that has filled my heart.


Charlie

Someca Berthea

Well Today is a day i will never forget for as long as i live. Today is the day that i lost not only my best friend, my soulmate, lover , but also my fiance. 2 years ago today i lost Someca to cancer. She was more then just a woman, but a great woman.

She was an only child and the oldest of all the grandkids, which by now could be over 30. She loved God always and then family. She loved kids and so badly wanted some of her own. Ill never forget the phone call telling me that she had cancer. She was always a fighter and i knew she would beat this disease. Cancer had no shot of beating My Someca.

Ill never forget on Nov. 13th at around 3am. Someca had started to make some noises, which she hadnt for some time. People thought it was because maybe she was in pain, but it was because she was trying to talk to me. Every night that Someca was in the hospital starting back on Sept 1st of that year, we would always talk every night from about 3-4:30 am or so. It was when she would wake up asking for water and i would go out and get her fresh water, because after all , she wanted ice n her cup. I would do that and then we would just talk about life in general. Talk about what we wanted to do when she got out of the hospital and what not. Then at around 4:30 or so we would both fall back asleep until they would come in at 7 am to take her vitals. So on that Morning, she started making noises and so i of course was right beside her, she she just talked, i didnt understand what she was saying, but she knew. I wonder at times what she was saying and maybe someday ill get the chance to find out when i see her in heaven again. But she knew what she was saying and thats all that matter.

So then at around 4:15 or so is when she took her last breath. I couldnt believe she was gone. I just held her for a few mins as the reality set in that i would never be able to hold her again, never be able to tell her that i love her again, hear her laugh or hold her hand when we walked down by Old Sac and infront of the river. I took her hands and i placed them together and i kissed her good-bye and walked out of the room.

This by far was/has been the hardest day of my life. I was always raised to be strong and I was and have been for lots and lots of people , but this day was about me and i didnt know what to do or how to even cope. I still dont to this day have it figured out. I wish i did, but i dont. As i sit here crying, i think back to the happy times and i look at our pics that we had taken and we were so full of life. I want that back again, i just have to figure out how to get it back. Sure i have that on the outside, because thats who i am. Im Charlie Miller, the one who can solve anything, listens to any problem, has advice for any problem and is a happy go lucky guy. Thats on the outside. The inside is what kills me all the time. I cant get past that God has a bigger and better plan. I had it all. I had the plan. I had a woman who loved me more then anything. Loved me for who i am and not for who i was. She loved me for me and i couldnt of asked for anyone better for me.

I know that someday i will be able to use this experince to help someone else, cause thats all ive done in my life. I just hate to think that this could all happen again to me.

The next 8 days after Someca's death were pretty hard. The day she died i finally went home and went to bed. That night my mom had opened our fridge in the apartment and realised that everything was moldy, i guess that happens when u dont live there for 3 months. We ended up going to Walmart around 11 pm and i remember putting stuff in the cart that i would never eat. I was walking around walmart and aimlessly because i had no direction. i didnt know what to do or even say. The one person who i loved more then anything had been taken from and yet i was suppose to believe that this was all in God's plan. To this day i still struggle with that and still get into arguments with God over the situtation, yet i know God will always be God and he will always be right. Its just part of the process i guess.

Of course i spoke at Someca's funeral, why wouldnt i ? some people couldnt believe that i wanted to speak and yet others knew that i would have it no other way then to speak. She was my world for almost 4 yrs and for most of that we spent at doctor's appointments and the hospital. I knew i was suppose to speak, just wasnt sure if i would be able to speak for not. I cried as i closed her casket for the last time and then i couldnt stop crying. I cried through the whole service. I got up to speak and the tears stopped and i spoke, probablly the best i have ever spoke. Someca had always said that when she died, she didnt want a long sermon. she didnt want people sitting around for hours listening to someone talk about her who didnt know her. I kept it short and sweet and i know she would of been proud.

After the service we went to the graveside, where she was laid to rest by her grandma. The woman who she looked up to more then anyone. The woman who she wanted to be and Someca you were her, by far. I remember carrying her casket, because back in Jan of 2008 i told her that i was with her until the day she died and i would lay her to rest, whether that be in 1 month or in 50 yrs, she wasnt gonna get rid of me. Well as i was getting ready to pick up the casket, i didnt have any white gloves. Her uncle Aaron gave me one of his and to this day i still carry it in my bible. Me and him will forever be linked because he kept his one glove and i got mine.

She was lowered into the ground and i just sat there, still in shock that a 34 yr old woman, who had never been sick , had just been put into the ground all because of cancer. Someca was an amazing woman and ill never forgot how on one of the trips back to IL she took the time to teach my mom and sister how to crochet blankets. Because of that people now have blankets who wouldnt of had them other wise. She was such a sweet and loving spirit.

I Will miss you Someca, i know that you are in heaven with your grandma and uncle, your prolly running with the kids and talking to your grandma about all the times you had together down here. I love you more then words can say or ever say. I hope i made you proud and continue to make you pround. I know someday i will see you again and i cant wait for that day. I cant believe its been 2 years, it feels like yesterday when we first met at the Indy Airport. There isnt a day thats gone by where i dont think about it and wonder what might have been. I do thank God that i got to be apart of your life even for the short time it was. You taught me to be myself and that by being myself people will be drawn to me and love me for me. I thank you and i miss you once again Someca Berthea.

Nothing like a good book!

Normally every year, come fall, I'm really drained and almost sluggish... It's depressing too! I know it takes a little to adjust to the time/weather change, but I think my hate for really cold weather and snow adds to this sluggishness. I remember last year thinking, next year is going to be different! And it is! I can actually wake up earlier... which I hope that keeps up! I've set some goals and am working towards those and just over all happy with my life!
One of those goals is to read more. And not just read more, but read more books that will help me in some way! I use to *hate* reading. I actually didn't read one book all through high school! I would start them, or try and start them at least, and just have any interest at all, and toss it somewhere.
I have a new found love for reading. It's some how relaxing. I am currently reading 3 books! "The Love of her Life" By: Harriot Evans, "Eat Pray Love" By: Elizabeth Gilbert (the movie comes out this month on dvd! Yah!) and "The Five Love Languages" By: Gary Chapman! What a mix hu? All are very good books! "The Love of Her Life" is about a girl named Katie Miller! It's a very catchy, motivating book! "Eat Pray Love" is just amazing and makes me want to travel even more than I already do! It really has me intrigued in how other religions/beliefs pray. I have just begun "The Five Love Languages"!
"The Five Love Languages" is what I wanted to dig into a little bit in this blog. I chose this book not only because I have heard a lot about it, but also because I thought it would be a challenge for me. I'm always up for a challenge, something to make me want to change the way I am or the way I think about something. I am only on the third chapter, but I am already having a "battle" with it. It talks about how the "honeymoon" stage only last up to 2 years, and that the "in love feeling" isn't real. I really don't agree with these statements (and a few others that are tied in i.e. "One who is in love is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person"... maybe they mean "infatuated"?)). Sure, you aren't going to feel that "in love" feeling EVERY day, and WHO would be in love with some one and NOT want to be after your loves best interest and WANT to see that person grow?? I have seen couples through out my life that are in their latter years in life and still crazy in love.
I.E. when I was 17 I had to have emergency surgery. I don't remember everything about that experience; However, I remember being taken into the hospital (from dad's car) in a wheelchair by this older lanky, but well dressed man. I remember him stopping at the front desk to "check in" and find out what room I needed to go to. He walked in front of me and looked down the hall and blew a kiss. I couldn't see who it was to, but he walked back over and said "that was to the love of my life... my wife". I remember, as much pain as I was in, smiling and thinking "That's so sweet! There's hope!" He went on to tell me that they had been married for 50 some years and he's still crazy about her like when he first met her. {Bam! Myth breaker! haha}
I really don't think that people can write books as if everyone is the same and it's a fact or the only way of life! I'm a little sceptical about reading the rest of this based on what I have read so far... Should I finish it?

Happy Hump Day!!!! Wynsten is getting so big!!!