Returning

Who would Of thought that I would even come back here, We have all been busy, but I haven't been really. Just didnt feel like blogging I suppose.

( Warning, this is a longer blog and filled with alot of emotion)

Well today has just been one of those days, So before I start, I apologize for any language that isnt good, typing errors, because at this point Im to tired to care and sometimes for whatever reason cuss words seem to be stronger then the regular words.

I'lll start off by saying that Im beyond mad at God. I know this is nothing new for some of you to read, others this may come as a shock, either way its out there. I know God is big enough for me to be mad at and I also know that he is still God. Im still pissed that its been almost 4 yrs since I love the person I cared most about, Not sure why She of all people was choosen to be taken from me. We had a love that Many of you dont have, never will and that some of you dont want. Yet, God decided that it was her time to go. There hasnt been a day that has gone by where I havent thought about her, dreamed about her, cried about her and wished that it had been me to leave this earth and not her. Selfish I know, but the pain that comes with this , gets to be so over-bearing sometimes that I cant handle it. Yes I know it says that God wont give you more then you can handle, but Cmon already God. I dont get why She had to be the one?? I look around at couples who hate each other, I see ones who could care-less if their spouse was gone or not, I see ones who have been together for 25 yrs and dont speak to each other, I see ones who dont care that they are hurting their children through the descions they are making, I know for a fact that there are ones who are busting their ass's to get their SO( significant others) only for them to play them or just to use them until they get what they want and then bam, out the door they go, I see others who are only sticking around because in the end they know it isnt because they love them, but because their is going to be a large pay out when their mom/dad passes away. BUT yet you have allowed them to stay here God, You havent taken either one of them, They dont even want to love each other, they dont want to raise a family, they could care-less if their kids are raised in the church. They have abused each other for years and yet here they still living as a couple.

       Why couldnt you have picked one of those to get cancer? why not one of those to have to battle for almost 3 yrs, pain every day, 3 rounds of chemo, only for one of them not to make it? Uh, WHY GOD? Why me ??? and yes I know there are people out there who are worse off then me, I get it so and im sure some people are Saying, Charlie you dont have it that bad, but for those of you who say that, Screw you, You dont know the battle I face everyday making myself get out of bed, Wishing things were different and still waiting on answers as to Why me. Sure I look like I always have it together, besides maybe my family no one has seen me cry for atleast 3-4 yrs. I know how to make it seem like all is well and most really couldnt handle the truth if i told them, no im not ok, im having a shitty ass day. They probably wouldnt know what to do, Thats why I never say anything, Im always fine and Im always good. Not like anyone now-a-day has time, Everyone has their own life and battles going on, They def dont need one more issue to have to listen to or to deal with.

      Ive been all over this blog, I dont even know what the point was of this blog really. I needed to get out my frustrations and maybe I have, Now Im just typing thru the tears so who knows whats going to be said . Ive lost my purpose in life, I feel like its groundhog day everyday.

      Im sure I will get some "hate" on here because heaven forbid Charlie Miller, who was born and raised in the Church, be mad at God. God is God so no sense in being mad at him Im sure some of you will say, I know also that some will say, well its all in God's plan, Well screw his plan right now because I dont get it. I cant imagine the God that I know and the one who loves me more then anything, would one day just be like, well, Here is a couple who loves each other, cares about each other, loves me (God) more then anything, So ill just go ahead and allow her to have some Cancer at the age of 31. I dont get it. Yes I know people all ages have gotten cancer and have died from it. A friend thru YWAM had a friend who lost their little child to cancer and I dont get that either, What did they do wrong, uh? I dont get it God. Sure Im sure someday I'll get the answers, How do I know this? Because thats what EVERYONE told me since the day that Someca passed away. I also know that Life will be way better, how so? Cause EVERYONE told me so. Yeah well here is a NEWS FLASH , it hasnt yet and those who told me that, never walked in my shoes, Never had to sit by the side of a hospital bed holding onto the hand of the one person they loved so much, begging/pleading/asking God for a healing that only he could bring, only to be let down at 4:20 am when I closed her eyes and she took her last breath.....Im still so mad because WHY ME? What did Charlie Lawrence Miller do to have this pain and suffering given to me???What did I do to have the heartache every day when I wake up, knowing that the One person I want to talk to I cant anymore, The one I wanted to Marry and go old with, have kids with, do mission trips with, Why Cant I God? WHY her? What did she do to deserve this? So many times I wish it had been me, So many times I wish I could of taken the cancer from her and given it to me. I dont know how things would of changed, I prolly wouldnt of beaten the Cancer, but I do know that I wouldnt be in pain anymore, My heart wouldnt be in so many broken pieces that no one wants me anymore. I know That as the tears begin to flow again, I know That I wouldnt be crying by myself, just wanting someone to Give a shit. Sure some of this is my fault because I dont let many people in, The few I have let in are special to me. Im scared to let anyone else in. Those that I have let in, Ive let in because I know I can keep them at a safe distance. I know that I only tell them so much so that I wont get hurt again. My heart cant handle not being good enough again. It cant handle falling deeply in love with someone again, only to have them taken from me again. Yeah it sucks being alone and lonely, but for right now its better then taking a risk of loving someone, only for them to say, sorry, I only want you as a friend, which is all anyone wants from me.

Ive looked back over what I have typed and Im not sure what else to say, I know to those couples who I mentioned, Get your act together, You just dont fall out of love with someone. No one wants to work on things anymore. Before you get all worked up about that, It takes 2 to keep a marriage going, I know alot of you are busting your asses off to make it work and the other half could careless. Lemme say this to those who dont give a shit, You will one day when they finally get tired of trying and they will be done. Once they turn to walk away they wont be coming back and then it will be to late for you to change your mind.


Ill close for now, Im emotionally, physically and spritually spent. I know that God does love me and thats why I think it hurts me so much, cause I am mad/pissed off/ frustrated. I know he doesnt want to harm us, but for us to prosper. I know these things, I just know also that he is the only one Big enough right now to handle the pain Im going through and the sadness that has filled my heart.


Charlie

Random

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s&ob=av3e

Well Hopefully this linked worked. Right now it's just how I am feeling and yes there is Strong Language in this Link, so I apologize and if your offeneded I am also sorry for that. Also just because this song is written by Eminem doesn't mean that I support anything he has done in the past or what he will do in the Future. I just feel this song right now.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way I'll continue on with my blog. This week has just been blah. The reason the topic is Random is because thats what this blog is going to be about. Just random thoughts that have passed thru my head today and the last few days as I have struggled with being sick and coming to the reality that I had to Withdraw from my bio 121 class again....

So for starters I wont be blogging about private school tonight. Its been a topic of the last 3 readings that I had to read for my LAS 189 class. It has also been a sub topic on a blog already and I have way to much to say about the issue for tonight and also while taking Nyquil. I will address it in the future and I will also post the articles that I had to read so you readers will know what i based my opinions on as well as attending private school for 3 years.

So I guess the first thoughts of the week as I realised that I would be dropping my bio 121 class, was " well what if I cant pass this class? " I have never had a class that I had to drop before. This was its been twice. Wouldnt be such a big deal but I need this class to get into the Nursing program that I want to get in. By not having this class, it pretty much means I dont have a chance to get into the program. That has been my goal the past 2 years. Thats all I have wanted to do, it is what has kept me going when there was nothing else to do that. Im sure I will be fine when it is all said and done, but I cant think of not becoming a nurse and working with those who have cancer and their families who want all the answers.

With coming to the realization I also had to come to the realization that maybe God doesn't want me to become a nurse. Now before everyone gets on their horses about how God can bless us in anything we do, I know this. I also know that sometimes God has a specific calling on each of our lives and sure I know for a fact that I would be the best nurse possible, but what if , just maybe God is saying" Thats not what I want you to do". Now comes the part where I have struggled with since forever. Some of you maybe asking why and well since I was born I have been told that I have had a calling for my life. I never thought much of it because I figured that every child did. God has plans for us all and so I never thought that I was any different. So when my mother always told me that God had bigger things for me, I didnt care. I always wanted to be a Police Officer and that was my goal. That was my goal up until Someca passed away and I knew then that I was going into Nursing to work with those who needed not only help, but a voice. For 3 months I lived in a hospital with Someca and I saw many people who didnt have a voice. No one to stand up for them and to get them help when they lay in their beds with the button pushed for more then 45 mins and no one had yet to come to see what they needed. It tore me up and some of the time I would go into their rooms to see what they needed, just so they knew that someone cared.

I guess that was a side story, now back to the point about doing things for God. I never wanted to hear that from anyone. I knew that as long as I was following God I could do what I wanted and still show people and teach them about God. Which you can. Im not saying because your not in "ministry" that you cant do that. Im just saying in my life I have been told that isnt going to be the case. I was always told " Remember, you know what happened to Jonah" as in he didnt listen to God and a Big Fish got ahold of him and that was that. A few days later he was back on the road to where he was going. Yeah I dont want to be Jonah, plus living here in IL i dont think it would be a Big Fish, but more like a Tornado and then only God would truly know where I would end up.

Here is even more proof or another instance where I know what I am suppose to be doing, but for some reason I cant just say " Ok God, Im ready now" Back in 11th grade, it was a Wedesday morning at Judah Christian School. Wedesday was our Chapel day. Today was going to be different from any other as we had 3 ladies from over by Danville, I believe, who had come over to speak to us. 3 months prior they got a list of each name of every student in the highschool and jr. high. They didnt know who we were, they just had a list of names. As chapel started they began to say what God had told them. There were names that had stood out and there were names that didnt so much stand out. I was praying I was in the Group of those who didnt stand out because I knew in my heart what was going to be said. So they began and the first name that was called was.....ME. Thats right I was the first student whos name was called and I was like oh lord he were go again. I bet I can tell them what they are going to say. Not only did they call my name but I had to stand up for all to see. Wasnt a bad thing, most people knew who I was as I had another sister in highschool and one in the jr high at the time. As I stood and listened I heard them say the same thing that my mother had told me. Not word for word the same, but pretty much the same thing.

They all 3 had seen my name stand out and I was told that in life as I would be walking down the streets I would come apon someone who needed help, didnt matter what kind of help they needed but I was there to meet their need. Ok I was thinking, thats what a Police Officer does, They continued, as you reach each person you move down the road and see someone else who is suffering and you stop to help them. This continues on as there are lots and lots of people who need your help. While you are walking and are helping more people, you stop to look behind you and you notice that everyone you have helped is now following you and watching you as you help and meet the needs of those you encouter. I was told it was thousands of people.

I knew then that I wasnt going to be a policeman, but I couldnt give up that dream. Just like now I hate the thought of giving up the dream of becoming a nurse. I know it might be what I need to do but I just cant. Sure some of you are thinking, "wow you have been called by God to not only help those who are hurting but to Preach to the world, whats the hold up?" The hold up is me clearly. Why? Im not entirly sure. At first I didnt think it would be that exciting. I mean going from carrying a gun, handcuffs, chasing people etc to carrying my bible and preaching on Sunday? That doesnt sound very exciting to me.

So now becomes the wrestling time in my Life. I know what has happened with those who have wrestled with God, they lost...but they were better off for listening to God then not listening to God. So I am at a crossroads in life right now. Also another side note is that my finicial aid has run out at Parkland College and so if I am to continue there, its all out of pocket mainly, unless I get scholarships. I have made a deal with God, but if I tell you guys what that deal was, then you could help out God and well I want God to do this.

Wow that was alot, cant believe I actually typed out what was actually going on inside my head. For so long ive "faked it , til you make it" that it has become hard to open up and to say how i truly feel about somethings. I know that comes as a shock to some of you since I dont hold back much.

The other thing I was going to talk about in this blog was Who am I? Thats some thing that has got me thinking this past week as well. I thought I knew who I was and I still have a good idea, but I also know that I am not the same person I was 6 yrs ago as I am today. Ever since Someca passed away I have been stuck in a rut. I cant seem to find my place back here in Champaign, IL. Sure I have friends , but its just not the same. Most of my friends that I had before going to CA, now are married and have kids. Most are in bed by 9pm. I dont know how to re-adjust to living here. Yeah it has been almost 2 years and I have actually been out maybe 10 times total. I almost feel like I am divorced and have no friends. Its just hard to be 31 and seem like I have yet to do anything in life. I wonder what keeps me single as well? I mean sure if i could count all the women who are married, engaged, taken etc that think Im a great guy , but the catch is they are TAKEN. Apparently I can only get the TAKEN ones lol I think its because I am "safe" No one has to worry about Charlie Miller doing anything bad so we can hang out with him. As for all of those of you women who are single, all I know is that someday I am going to be the best Friend, Husband, Lover, Father that some lucky woman is going to have and well then the rest of you will just be left to think, what if .....

Well in closing, I have discussed alot of things, well really only 2 things but it seemed to be alot of writting, so if you have made it this far I congradulate you. I hope you all have a great week and remember to have a Fun and Safe Halloween!

Charlie