Who would Of thought that I would even come back here, We have all been busy, but I haven't been really. Just didnt feel like blogging I suppose.
( Warning, this is a longer blog and filled with alot of emotion)
Well today has just been one of those days, So before I start, I apologize for any language that isnt good, typing errors, because at this point Im to tired to care and sometimes for whatever reason cuss words seem to be stronger then the regular words.
I'lll start off by saying that Im beyond mad at God. I know this is nothing new for some of you to read, others this may come as a shock, either way its out there. I know God is big enough for me to be mad at and I also know that he is still God. Im still pissed that its been almost 4 yrs since I love the person I cared most about, Not sure why She of all people was choosen to be taken from me. We had a love that Many of you dont have, never will and that some of you dont want. Yet, God decided that it was her time to go. There hasnt been a day that has gone by where I havent thought about her, dreamed about her, cried about her and wished that it had been me to leave this earth and not her. Selfish I know, but the pain that comes with this , gets to be so over-bearing sometimes that I cant handle it. Yes I know it says that God wont give you more then you can handle, but Cmon already God. I dont get why She had to be the one?? I look around at couples who hate each other, I see ones who could care-less if their spouse was gone or not, I see ones who have been together for 25 yrs and dont speak to each other, I see ones who dont care that they are hurting their children through the descions they are making, I know for a fact that there are ones who are busting their ass's to get their SO( significant others) only for them to play them or just to use them until they get what they want and then bam, out the door they go, I see others who are only sticking around because in the end they know it isnt because they love them, but because their is going to be a large pay out when their mom/dad passes away. BUT yet you have allowed them to stay here God, You havent taken either one of them, They dont even want to love each other, they dont want to raise a family, they could care-less if their kids are raised in the church. They have abused each other for years and yet here they still living as a couple.
Why couldnt you have picked one of those to get cancer? why not one of those to have to battle for almost 3 yrs, pain every day, 3 rounds of chemo, only for one of them not to make it? Uh, WHY GOD? Why me ??? and yes I know there are people out there who are worse off then me, I get it so and im sure some people are Saying, Charlie you dont have it that bad, but for those of you who say that, Screw you, You dont know the battle I face everyday making myself get out of bed, Wishing things were different and still waiting on answers as to Why me. Sure I look like I always have it together, besides maybe my family no one has seen me cry for atleast 3-4 yrs. I know how to make it seem like all is well and most really couldnt handle the truth if i told them, no im not ok, im having a shitty ass day. They probably wouldnt know what to do, Thats why I never say anything, Im always fine and Im always good. Not like anyone now-a-day has time, Everyone has their own life and battles going on, They def dont need one more issue to have to listen to or to deal with.
Ive been all over this blog, I dont even know what the point was of this blog really. I needed to get out my frustrations and maybe I have, Now Im just typing thru the tears so who knows whats going to be said . Ive lost my purpose in life, I feel like its groundhog day everyday.
Im sure I will get some "hate" on here because heaven forbid Charlie Miller, who was born and raised in the Church, be mad at God. God is God so no sense in being mad at him Im sure some of you will say, I know also that some will say, well its all in God's plan, Well screw his plan right now because I dont get it. I cant imagine the God that I know and the one who loves me more then anything, would one day just be like, well, Here is a couple who loves each other, cares about each other, loves me (God) more then anything, So ill just go ahead and allow her to have some Cancer at the age of 31. I dont get it. Yes I know people all ages have gotten cancer and have died from it. A friend thru YWAM had a friend who lost their little child to cancer and I dont get that either, What did they do wrong, uh? I dont get it God. Sure Im sure someday I'll get the answers, How do I know this? Because thats what EVERYONE told me since the day that Someca passed away. I also know that Life will be way better, how so? Cause EVERYONE told me so. Yeah well here is a NEWS FLASH , it hasnt yet and those who told me that, never walked in my shoes, Never had to sit by the side of a hospital bed holding onto the hand of the one person they loved so much, begging/pleading/asking God for a healing that only he could bring, only to be let down at 4:20 am when I closed her eyes and she took her last breath.....Im still so mad because WHY ME? What did Charlie Lawrence Miller do to have this pain and suffering given to me???What did I do to have the heartache every day when I wake up, knowing that the One person I want to talk to I cant anymore, The one I wanted to Marry and go old with, have kids with, do mission trips with, Why Cant I God? WHY her? What did she do to deserve this? So many times I wish it had been me, So many times I wish I could of taken the cancer from her and given it to me. I dont know how things would of changed, I prolly wouldnt of beaten the Cancer, but I do know that I wouldnt be in pain anymore, My heart wouldnt be in so many broken pieces that no one wants me anymore. I know That as the tears begin to flow again, I know That I wouldnt be crying by myself, just wanting someone to Give a shit. Sure some of this is my fault because I dont let many people in, The few I have let in are special to me. Im scared to let anyone else in. Those that I have let in, Ive let in because I know I can keep them at a safe distance. I know that I only tell them so much so that I wont get hurt again. My heart cant handle not being good enough again. It cant handle falling deeply in love with someone again, only to have them taken from me again. Yeah it sucks being alone and lonely, but for right now its better then taking a risk of loving someone, only for them to say, sorry, I only want you as a friend, which is all anyone wants from me.
Ive looked back over what I have typed and Im not sure what else to say, I know to those couples who I mentioned, Get your act together, You just dont fall out of love with someone. No one wants to work on things anymore. Before you get all worked up about that, It takes 2 to keep a marriage going, I know alot of you are busting your asses off to make it work and the other half could careless. Lemme say this to those who dont give a shit, You will one day when they finally get tired of trying and they will be done. Once they turn to walk away they wont be coming back and then it will be to late for you to change your mind.
Ill close for now, Im emotionally, physically and spritually spent. I know that God does love me and thats why I think it hurts me so much, cause I am mad/pissed off/ frustrated. I know he doesnt want to harm us, but for us to prosper. I know these things, I just know also that he is the only one Big enough right now to handle the pain Im going through and the sadness that has filled my heart.