Random

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s&ob=av3e

Well Hopefully this linked worked. Right now it's just how I am feeling and yes there is Strong Language in this Link, so I apologize and if your offeneded I am also sorry for that. Also just because this song is written by Eminem doesn't mean that I support anything he has done in the past or what he will do in the Future. I just feel this song right now.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way I'll continue on with my blog. This week has just been blah. The reason the topic is Random is because thats what this blog is going to be about. Just random thoughts that have passed thru my head today and the last few days as I have struggled with being sick and coming to the reality that I had to Withdraw from my bio 121 class again....

So for starters I wont be blogging about private school tonight. Its been a topic of the last 3 readings that I had to read for my LAS 189 class. It has also been a sub topic on a blog already and I have way to much to say about the issue for tonight and also while taking Nyquil. I will address it in the future and I will also post the articles that I had to read so you readers will know what i based my opinions on as well as attending private school for 3 years.

So I guess the first thoughts of the week as I realised that I would be dropping my bio 121 class, was " well what if I cant pass this class? " I have never had a class that I had to drop before. This was its been twice. Wouldnt be such a big deal but I need this class to get into the Nursing program that I want to get in. By not having this class, it pretty much means I dont have a chance to get into the program. That has been my goal the past 2 years. Thats all I have wanted to do, it is what has kept me going when there was nothing else to do that. Im sure I will be fine when it is all said and done, but I cant think of not becoming a nurse and working with those who have cancer and their families who want all the answers.

With coming to the realization I also had to come to the realization that maybe God doesn't want me to become a nurse. Now before everyone gets on their horses about how God can bless us in anything we do, I know this. I also know that sometimes God has a specific calling on each of our lives and sure I know for a fact that I would be the best nurse possible, but what if , just maybe God is saying" Thats not what I want you to do". Now comes the part where I have struggled with since forever. Some of you maybe asking why and well since I was born I have been told that I have had a calling for my life. I never thought much of it because I figured that every child did. God has plans for us all and so I never thought that I was any different. So when my mother always told me that God had bigger things for me, I didnt care. I always wanted to be a Police Officer and that was my goal. That was my goal up until Someca passed away and I knew then that I was going into Nursing to work with those who needed not only help, but a voice. For 3 months I lived in a hospital with Someca and I saw many people who didnt have a voice. No one to stand up for them and to get them help when they lay in their beds with the button pushed for more then 45 mins and no one had yet to come to see what they needed. It tore me up and some of the time I would go into their rooms to see what they needed, just so they knew that someone cared.

I guess that was a side story, now back to the point about doing things for God. I never wanted to hear that from anyone. I knew that as long as I was following God I could do what I wanted and still show people and teach them about God. Which you can. Im not saying because your not in "ministry" that you cant do that. Im just saying in my life I have been told that isnt going to be the case. I was always told " Remember, you know what happened to Jonah" as in he didnt listen to God and a Big Fish got ahold of him and that was that. A few days later he was back on the road to where he was going. Yeah I dont want to be Jonah, plus living here in IL i dont think it would be a Big Fish, but more like a Tornado and then only God would truly know where I would end up.

Here is even more proof or another instance where I know what I am suppose to be doing, but for some reason I cant just say " Ok God, Im ready now" Back in 11th grade, it was a Wedesday morning at Judah Christian School. Wedesday was our Chapel day. Today was going to be different from any other as we had 3 ladies from over by Danville, I believe, who had come over to speak to us. 3 months prior they got a list of each name of every student in the highschool and jr. high. They didnt know who we were, they just had a list of names. As chapel started they began to say what God had told them. There were names that had stood out and there were names that didnt so much stand out. I was praying I was in the Group of those who didnt stand out because I knew in my heart what was going to be said. So they began and the first name that was called was.....ME. Thats right I was the first student whos name was called and I was like oh lord he were go again. I bet I can tell them what they are going to say. Not only did they call my name but I had to stand up for all to see. Wasnt a bad thing, most people knew who I was as I had another sister in highschool and one in the jr high at the time. As I stood and listened I heard them say the same thing that my mother had told me. Not word for word the same, but pretty much the same thing.

They all 3 had seen my name stand out and I was told that in life as I would be walking down the streets I would come apon someone who needed help, didnt matter what kind of help they needed but I was there to meet their need. Ok I was thinking, thats what a Police Officer does, They continued, as you reach each person you move down the road and see someone else who is suffering and you stop to help them. This continues on as there are lots and lots of people who need your help. While you are walking and are helping more people, you stop to look behind you and you notice that everyone you have helped is now following you and watching you as you help and meet the needs of those you encouter. I was told it was thousands of people.

I knew then that I wasnt going to be a policeman, but I couldnt give up that dream. Just like now I hate the thought of giving up the dream of becoming a nurse. I know it might be what I need to do but I just cant. Sure some of you are thinking, "wow you have been called by God to not only help those who are hurting but to Preach to the world, whats the hold up?" The hold up is me clearly. Why? Im not entirly sure. At first I didnt think it would be that exciting. I mean going from carrying a gun, handcuffs, chasing people etc to carrying my bible and preaching on Sunday? That doesnt sound very exciting to me.

So now becomes the wrestling time in my Life. I know what has happened with those who have wrestled with God, they lost...but they were better off for listening to God then not listening to God. So I am at a crossroads in life right now. Also another side note is that my finicial aid has run out at Parkland College and so if I am to continue there, its all out of pocket mainly, unless I get scholarships. I have made a deal with God, but if I tell you guys what that deal was, then you could help out God and well I want God to do this.

Wow that was alot, cant believe I actually typed out what was actually going on inside my head. For so long ive "faked it , til you make it" that it has become hard to open up and to say how i truly feel about somethings. I know that comes as a shock to some of you since I dont hold back much.

The other thing I was going to talk about in this blog was Who am I? Thats some thing that has got me thinking this past week as well. I thought I knew who I was and I still have a good idea, but I also know that I am not the same person I was 6 yrs ago as I am today. Ever since Someca passed away I have been stuck in a rut. I cant seem to find my place back here in Champaign, IL. Sure I have friends , but its just not the same. Most of my friends that I had before going to CA, now are married and have kids. Most are in bed by 9pm. I dont know how to re-adjust to living here. Yeah it has been almost 2 years and I have actually been out maybe 10 times total. I almost feel like I am divorced and have no friends. Its just hard to be 31 and seem like I have yet to do anything in life. I wonder what keeps me single as well? I mean sure if i could count all the women who are married, engaged, taken etc that think Im a great guy , but the catch is they are TAKEN. Apparently I can only get the TAKEN ones lol I think its because I am "safe" No one has to worry about Charlie Miller doing anything bad so we can hang out with him. As for all of those of you women who are single, all I know is that someday I am going to be the best Friend, Husband, Lover, Father that some lucky woman is going to have and well then the rest of you will just be left to think, what if .....

Well in closing, I have discussed alot of things, well really only 2 things but it seemed to be alot of writting, so if you have made it this far I congradulate you. I hope you all have a great week and remember to have a Fun and Safe Halloween!

Charlie