Someca Berthea

Well Today is a day i will never forget for as long as i live. Today is the day that i lost not only my best friend, my soulmate, lover , but also my fiance. 2 years ago today i lost Someca to cancer. She was more then just a woman, but a great woman.

She was an only child and the oldest of all the grandkids, which by now could be over 30. She loved God always and then family. She loved kids and so badly wanted some of her own. Ill never forget the phone call telling me that she had cancer. She was always a fighter and i knew she would beat this disease. Cancer had no shot of beating My Someca.

Ill never forget on Nov. 13th at around 3am. Someca had started to make some noises, which she hadnt for some time. People thought it was because maybe she was in pain, but it was because she was trying to talk to me. Every night that Someca was in the hospital starting back on Sept 1st of that year, we would always talk every night from about 3-4:30 am or so. It was when she would wake up asking for water and i would go out and get her fresh water, because after all , she wanted ice n her cup. I would do that and then we would just talk about life in general. Talk about what we wanted to do when she got out of the hospital and what not. Then at around 4:30 or so we would both fall back asleep until they would come in at 7 am to take her vitals. So on that Morning, she started making noises and so i of course was right beside her, she she just talked, i didnt understand what she was saying, but she knew. I wonder at times what she was saying and maybe someday ill get the chance to find out when i see her in heaven again. But she knew what she was saying and thats all that matter.

So then at around 4:15 or so is when she took her last breath. I couldnt believe she was gone. I just held her for a few mins as the reality set in that i would never be able to hold her again, never be able to tell her that i love her again, hear her laugh or hold her hand when we walked down by Old Sac and infront of the river. I took her hands and i placed them together and i kissed her good-bye and walked out of the room.

This by far was/has been the hardest day of my life. I was always raised to be strong and I was and have been for lots and lots of people , but this day was about me and i didnt know what to do or how to even cope. I still dont to this day have it figured out. I wish i did, but i dont. As i sit here crying, i think back to the happy times and i look at our pics that we had taken and we were so full of life. I want that back again, i just have to figure out how to get it back. Sure i have that on the outside, because thats who i am. Im Charlie Miller, the one who can solve anything, listens to any problem, has advice for any problem and is a happy go lucky guy. Thats on the outside. The inside is what kills me all the time. I cant get past that God has a bigger and better plan. I had it all. I had the plan. I had a woman who loved me more then anything. Loved me for who i am and not for who i was. She loved me for me and i couldnt of asked for anyone better for me.

I know that someday i will be able to use this experince to help someone else, cause thats all ive done in my life. I just hate to think that this could all happen again to me.

The next 8 days after Someca's death were pretty hard. The day she died i finally went home and went to bed. That night my mom had opened our fridge in the apartment and realised that everything was moldy, i guess that happens when u dont live there for 3 months. We ended up going to Walmart around 11 pm and i remember putting stuff in the cart that i would never eat. I was walking around walmart and aimlessly because i had no direction. i didnt know what to do or even say. The one person who i loved more then anything had been taken from and yet i was suppose to believe that this was all in God's plan. To this day i still struggle with that and still get into arguments with God over the situtation, yet i know God will always be God and he will always be right. Its just part of the process i guess.

Of course i spoke at Someca's funeral, why wouldnt i ? some people couldnt believe that i wanted to speak and yet others knew that i would have it no other way then to speak. She was my world for almost 4 yrs and for most of that we spent at doctor's appointments and the hospital. I knew i was suppose to speak, just wasnt sure if i would be able to speak for not. I cried as i closed her casket for the last time and then i couldnt stop crying. I cried through the whole service. I got up to speak and the tears stopped and i spoke, probablly the best i have ever spoke. Someca had always said that when she died, she didnt want a long sermon. she didnt want people sitting around for hours listening to someone talk about her who didnt know her. I kept it short and sweet and i know she would of been proud.

After the service we went to the graveside, where she was laid to rest by her grandma. The woman who she looked up to more then anyone. The woman who she wanted to be and Someca you were her, by far. I remember carrying her casket, because back in Jan of 2008 i told her that i was with her until the day she died and i would lay her to rest, whether that be in 1 month or in 50 yrs, she wasnt gonna get rid of me. Well as i was getting ready to pick up the casket, i didnt have any white gloves. Her uncle Aaron gave me one of his and to this day i still carry it in my bible. Me and him will forever be linked because he kept his one glove and i got mine.

She was lowered into the ground and i just sat there, still in shock that a 34 yr old woman, who had never been sick , had just been put into the ground all because of cancer. Someca was an amazing woman and ill never forgot how on one of the trips back to IL she took the time to teach my mom and sister how to crochet blankets. Because of that people now have blankets who wouldnt of had them other wise. She was such a sweet and loving spirit.

I Will miss you Someca, i know that you are in heaven with your grandma and uncle, your prolly running with the kids and talking to your grandma about all the times you had together down here. I love you more then words can say or ever say. I hope i made you proud and continue to make you pround. I know someday i will see you again and i cant wait for that day. I cant believe its been 2 years, it feels like yesterday when we first met at the Indy Airport. There isnt a day thats gone by where i dont think about it and wonder what might have been. I do thank God that i got to be apart of your life even for the short time it was. You taught me to be myself and that by being myself people will be drawn to me and love me for me. I thank you and i miss you once again Someca Berthea.